A Change in the Seasons of My Life

For one reason or another, I’ve found it difficult to sit down and write recently. When I try, I find that my mind races to everything else I should be doing. I have been between jobs for a few months now, and I’ve been restless to return to the work force. I’ve applied to jobs that I felt qualified for, overqualified for, and even jobs I’m not qualified for but am still confident in my ability to do it given the chance. The only writing I’ve been doing with any consistency these days has been cover letter after cover letter. I write a personal, unique, crafted cover letter to attach alongside every application I submit, one that never seems to be read by a real person; simply scanned for key words within their search, and if I’m lucky, I receive a return letter of rejection months down the road.

I’ve been applied to an average of 14 jobs a week, a number that doesn’t show the countless hours job searching, writing, researching, following up, trying to push myself forward as a candidate that at least deserves a shot at an interview. The process has been, for all accounts and purposes, deflating. Sometimes it’s even soul-sucking. My confidence in my value and what I bring to a company has slowly eroded with each rejection or absence of response.

Though I hate to admit this, I’ve never been able to figure out how to make a freelance position work. The blurred lines of contracts, inconsistent payments, dependence on other independent freelances and overall competition for jobs has been a world that I’ve always admired, but never able to crack the path for myself (at least not yet, at the time of writing this post). Most likely, my own lack of confidence in getting started has, for years, kept me from doing the one thing that would bring me to the other side of that veil — getting started. I am still working on carving my path within a freelance community, but until I’ve done something I’m proud of sharing, I struggle to talk any more about it as just a fleeting thought.

Unable to get callbacks for positions that I’m qualified for, or areas that I’m interested in, I recently decided to start looking outside the box and into my backyard. I’ve had my fair share of experience working in retail and service jobs throughout high school and college. I thought I was done with that for good, that all of that was safely behind me. But at this point in time, anything to help me get my confidence back would be welcomed and appreciated.

So I decided to start looking outside the box, and into my backyard. 

This week, I had two interviews for part-time positions. One would feed a hobby of mine and a trade skill that I’ve long been interested in learning with greater understanding. The other would feed a personal affection I feel for the outdoors and national parks. I went into the interviews expecting to accept one over the other, however, after meeting with both managers and their genuine interest and excitement at my application, I am now in a position that I will most likely accept both.

This will be an incredibly large amount of hours for me, and a learning curve of not one but two jobs that I am completely starting from scratch with. Most likely, I’ll be working more hours than I ever worked at my corporate setting, though not quite as many as I worked while in education. I’m nervous, I don’t really want to be dealing with people again given the way that people have treated the pandemic. But, at the same time, I’ve been ready to get back out there for some times and I’m ready to do something for the sake of enjoying it and getting back into a solid routine of someone else depending on me to show up and be accountable.

There is, of course, a strong chance that this will hinder my writing even further, but I am hoping it will have the exact opposite effect. I hope that in giving myself less time at home job searching, and actually having jobs that depend on me, my time off might be better delegated and committed to my time writing.

I’m experiencing a change in seasons when it comes to my life, and I’m preparing to embrace it fully moving forward. However long this season lasts, I will be grateful for the opportunities it brings and the value that it provides. I can only hope that I will provide value and opportunity for the people I work with/for as well.

If you’ve also experienced some season of change in your life that brought you to where you are today, or if you are also going through a season of change in your life, I’d love to know about it. Easiest way to reach me is through Twitter, the social media that I use most often. Thank you for reading and, as always, protect your magic.

Full Moon Reflection: Self Care by the Lunar Cycle (The Scribe)

At the beginning of the month, I sat down to reflect on what I wanted my upcoming lunar cycle intention to be. I turned to my Dreams of Gaia tarot deck, and asked the question “where should I focus my efforts during the upcoming lunar cycle?” and pulling a one-card answer.

I pulled The Scribe, XII of Air. This beautiful card boasts bright blues against a starry black background. The face of a wise man, scribes with ancient symbols pouring out of his mouth and his eyes, which are complimentary of the night sky behind him. In perfect symmetry, two sacred black-headed white ibis face outward on the left and right side. At the top of the sword scribe is a beetle, and and the bottom of the scribe is a bee. 

Photo credit belongs to the author of this post.
XII of Air, The Scribe. Tarot deck: Dreams of Gaia

The Scribe represents writing things down, documenting your life journey, and possibly securing what you have documented thus far (such as a backup drive, a print or hand-written version, etc.). I chose to focus on the former, writing things down and documenting my life’s journey. This felt so in line with what I truly wanted in regards to my writing — and, perhaps more specifically, my desire to start blogging consistently.

By the end of my new moon hour, I’d thought of a few aspects of my writing that I wanted to focus on for the lunar cycle:

1. Keep a daily log

2. Write a weekly blog post

3. Commit to and start using a ‘Swipe File’ (a concept from Austin Kleon’s Steal Like an Artist)

In reflecting on the intentions that I set during the new moon, my full moon hour was a pause for reflection on my journey, my process thus far, and celebrating the successes however small and minuscule they might seem.

First and foremost, getting COVID symptoms 4 days into the lunar cycle inevitably affected my progress, and I need to be mindful and forgiving of that reality. So, in terms of my prior aspirations, I’ve fallen short. But, in terms of my new outlook on my self-care goal, I would say that I’m tackling this lunar cycle intention with relative success.

Keeping a Daily Log

This aspect, I’ve been successful. I keep my moleskin journal with me everywhere I go, and before the end of the night, I pause to log what I did for that day. It’s a nice way to be able to look back on each day and draw reference for my progress by noting where I’ve been at each particular point in my life. It has, in some ways supplemented, and in other ways replaced, my process of journaling. While I still use the notebook as a journal when there is something worth writing, the simple documentation of things I did keep it easier to be consistent. This has been perhaps my most tangible success within the lunar cycle intention.

Writing a Weekly Blog Post

Mm… yes and no. Again, I have to be mindful that COVID symptoms hit me right at the beginning, so if consistency is what I was going for, then I’m afraid I’ve fallen short of this goal. But that is understandable, and when I look at it from the aspect of wanting to publish 3 out of my 4 blog posts, this one is my third, and so in that sense, I have been successful! I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time that I’m writing in this blog, but I suppose that’s sort of the point?

Commit to and start using a Swipe File

Nope. This is the one that I have fallen short on, no matter how I hold it up to the light to further inspect. I do have a file that I named “Swipe File”, but at this point I’m not even sure if I want to keep it on my Notes (Apple) app, or if I want to keep it on my Evernote app. While Evernote is my preference, the fact that I can only access it with an internet connection makes me pause. The whole point of a Swipe File is to be able to access it from anywhere, at any time. So, while I currently have one in both, I want to continue getting used to using it on my Notes app, and maybe just update it on Evernote to see whether or not it holds its value. But while I did start a Swipe File, I haven’t gotten as good at adding to it when I see something inspiring. The other benefit to Evernote is that it can be more than words that I put into the file — if it’s just a photo of something that I saw that is inspiring, it’s easier to add a photo document to Evernote than it is to add to Apple’s Note app. Ugh! I have to do further investigating on this, the pros and cons of both, and ultimately choose one that I stick with.

Do you have a Swipe File (a place that you put all of the things you find inspiring, or pull from when you feel the need to be inspired)? If so, what program do you use? How has it served you, and what do you consider the pros and cons of the option that you’ve chosen? I’d love to know.

Overall, while I still have a long ways to go, I think given the circumstances I’ve been successful thus far in my lunar intention. I’ve only recently started using the lunar cycle for self-care, and I’m excited to continue through this cycle and end on a high note. Since I’ve started, I’ve noticed that having measurable milestones over a tangible course of time (new moon, first quarter, full moon, last quarter) has brought its own sense of gratification.

If you’re interested in learning more about starting your own form of self-care using the lunar cycle, I’d personally recommend the book Self Care by the Moon, by Valerie Tejeda. I used the audiobook format (narrated by the author), which is free with select Audible memberships.

Reflections on Bombing a Dream Job Interview

Last week, upon my return home from bombing my dream job interview, I made this video diary entry (below).

Now, after having a week to reflect, the time has come to write about it, as a means to look back at the experience with more clarity, acceptance, and understanding.

These aspects will help me turn this failure into a success, though the exact way this will happen is still lost on me.

Here is the video, and below that, is my current reflection on the matter.

It’s officially been a week since I returned home, fevered with self-directed anger and shame. 

I’d left my home hopeful, confident, and determined to manifest a dream that I’d long held onto. This job interview was a key — one that would lift the veil between a dream being distant, and becoming a tangible reality. 

But instead, I got sent home before even making it to the second round.

It wasn’t due to lack of preparation. I’d searched various topics of the matters — from the company, to the process, to potential interview questions. I’d practiced, refined, and tweaked presentation skills that I had not brought forth to the surface in some time.

But I blew it, and not just due to a single, fatal mistake. No, it was due to a slew of mistakes, one after the other, like striking the first of a long line of dominoes. As course as the words feel, it’s true: I blew it — and hearing hollow assurances that I wasn’t that bad doesn’t ease the regret or shame. If anything, it’s nothing but salt sprinkled on an open wound.

As I said in my video diary, the day after returning home, I compare it to the competition shows, where someone is sent home every week. Of course, everyone is there to compete for the number one spot; but in reality, what everyone really wants, is to not be the first ones sent home.

I was, for all intents and purposes, the first one sent home.

It was bad from the beginning, if I’m being honest. I had the instructions for how to arrive at the location of the interview, however the directions to the shuttle were vague and, after letting 3 shuttles pass with the correct description for the one I was supposed to take, I learned that some of the drivers had confused their routes and had ended up in the wrong location.

In any case, I was about 15 minutes late upon actually arriving. I was the last to arrive. I was greeted by two employees who quickly checked me in before directing me down to where the interview was taking place.

The interview was initially a group interview, with about 40-50 people who’d already completed the first individual task (a written exercise), and were already mingling and getting to know each other (which was, undoubtedly, part of the interview). 

I rushed through the written exercise, completely forgetting the advice I had been given earlier, only panicked by the sounds of others cordially showcasing their personalities through, what seemed like, the effortless art of conversation.

I, myself, have lost my ability to turn on an extroverted face in public as the years have past. I tried my best, to find appropriate times to chime in and ask questions, only to find that they would only be repeating themselves, and had to think of some other means to get to know them.

From there, I overcompensated. I made a point, to a forceful degree, of remembering and repeating everyone’s names. I couldn’t read when was an appropriate time to speak, or listen. In the group activity I’d found my footing, offering a medially position and helping everyone bring their strengths forward, which is a true strength of mine.

I thought I was getting the hang of it, I thought I was finally starting to bring attention to myself in a positive way, the way I had originally intended.

But then, in smaller groups, we each were asked an individual interview question.

I haven’t been clinically diagnosed with a hearing impairment, but I have a hard time understanding people when they speak to me if I cannot read their lips (we were all wearing masks). As the interviewer spoke to me, I got out a notepad and starting writing down the question, so that I could see the question in front of me before responding. This was, apparently, a very serious mistake. The instructor called me out by name, shaking his head, quickly writing down this mistake on whatever record keeping device they were using.

He didn’t look at me angrily, but sternly stated that no note-taking of any kind was permitted throughout the interview. I apologized, perhaps too profusely, and rambled on about how I was only trying to write down the question so I could better process it for a response. They responded “it’s alright,” but nothing more. I gave my answer, to the best of my ability, and likely went over the time limit with my answer, regardless of how good and relevant it my example was. 

We were given a break, I continued talking with the other candidates, until we returned and the instructors left the room while another continued showing us a slide show. At this point, I had no idea what to think. I knew I wasn’t doing great, but I didn’t think I was doing terrible.

That’s when one of the instructors returned, the same one that had been waiting for me to let me through when I’d arrived. They noted that, if they called our name, to gather our things and follow them. Out of only a couple names, mine was the first one called. I knew, almost immediately, that was the beginning of the end. I followed them back up, through security, to the glass doors where we had first entered. They pleasantly told us to wait there for the shuttle, and that we would have our official notice in 5-7 business days.

And that was it. That was the end of it.

The shuttle took us back to the airport, where I then had several hours to sit and stew over everything that went wrong. What I’d said, what I hadn’t said, arriving late and allowing a seed of doubt to grow and fester within me. It was maddening, even as a small piece of my conscience tried to persuade me otherwise of what my conscience already knew.

I didn’t get it. In fact, I was the first name off the list to not get it.

In hindsight, this was a blessing in disguise. Part of me knew it at the time, though knowing it did nothing to soothe the ebbing and flowing feels of embarrassment, guilt, and shame.

The experience was not in vain. When my time finally does come, when I’m back on the mantle with a dream opportunity, I will be better prepared for it. I won’t wait for it to come to me, I will actively seek it out. I’ve already gotten back up off my feet and put myself back out there.

I’ve decided to share my experience with you, and try to put it into words. Granted, the experience of putting this somewhere is as much for me as it is for you, but I hope that someone else might learn from this, or perhaps not feel alone in their own feelings of failure. Failure is a very lonely feeling.

But failure is never the end of the story, it’s only a piece of the story, and what is needed for us to truly appreciate the experience of success when it comes.

I have yet to receive the official notice that I didn’t get the job, but I’m not waiting for it. I’ve already accepted it, and I’m already moving on.